Your birthday is almost here. Monday is just around the corner! I'm guessing you want your usual favorite - chocolate cake with our "secret" frosting and home made banana ice cream. Perhaps the angels will indulge you with your birthday wishes!
This is certainly not what I had in mind for your 81st birthday. We would have gone to dinner and a movie. I would have had everyone come over for cake and ice cream. We would have celebrated yours, Rick's and Stuart's birthdays together and laughed at the warped cards we all bought for the three of you! I confess, in my selfishness I want you here so badly I can hardly stand it sometimes, but I know God's plan is much bigger than mine. Still, I struggle to make sense of how and why...
Do you know how many letters I have written to you in the past 20 months? I've shared with you everything - from my grief, my guilt, my sorrows, my regrets, and my fears - to my secrets, my joys, and my funnies.
I want you to know that I am working through the grief I still deal with. I know you would not want any of us hanging onto that. For the most part I do pretty well, but never a day goes by that I don't have a "moment" and struggle a bit. My dreams about you remain consistent, though not frequent - I see you, but I know that you are not really there. I try to reach out and touch you anyway...surprised that I actually can! I throw my arms around you and begin sobbing, telling you that I just don't think I can do this. I beg you to come back. We cry together and you tell me that I am strong and I will be OK. And then I wake up with empty arms and teary eyes.
A psychologist or dream analyst could probably have a "field day" with that one! :-)
June 21, 2008 seems like yesterday to me. That Saturday morning is just as vivid in my mind and heart now as it was then...the day you slipped out of our lives and into Glory. So bittersweet. Avalon's "Where Joy and Sorrow Meet" truly sums it up.
On a happier note, I do have a WONDERFUL gift for your birthday! You probably already know. (unless God has allowed me to be the one to tell you and Daddy) SARAH IS EXPECTING A GIRL! We just found out! How we wish that you were here to experience this miracle pregnancy with us! I asked God to keep you updated and give you glimpses of our upcoming joys - Matt and Susan's, Sawyer Linton Millsap and Stuart and Sarah's, Ayla Faith Creamer! Though you won't be here in the flesh to hold these precious new babies, I will rest in knowing that you will hold them in your heart! And rest assured, these children will know you...
Loving and missing you! Happy Birthday! Hugs to Daddy!
(Music by Naomi Carroll, "Enjoy the Journey")
p.s. You would be so proud of Sarah. She has shown so much "Grammie moxie" and spiritual growth these couple of years. Your legacy continues...Ayla Faith will also carry on your amazing spirit!